I hope you’ll feel how it is to be like this. it’s like a dagger that literally stab you more than a hundred times. It’s more of a physical pain, or may i say chest pain and pressure combined. In psychiatric nursing, they call it depression. It is when you get very frustrated and couldn’t find any type of exhaust. You breathe but it’s painful. Then you cry until you feel the gush of tears on your cheeks. Then slowly the feeling that something is pouring out from you will eventually make you feel better because you no longer keep everything inside of you. Sometimes stabbing the pillow with a ballpoint pen would me feel better. Or throwing my old macbook and see how it shatters makes me realize “this is really happening”. 

I have issues and i am aware. Whenever i get frustrated i have to let it out in a physical kind of way. I have no means of calming myself down but only in this way. I could drive around and feel the air but i guess it’s more dangerous for me coz i’m very accident prone. I could always go shopping but i always end up being broke with a pile of things i don’t need. I could also let my frustration out in a creative way but at this time time wont permit me to do it coz i always gets lazy and i’d rather be sleeping at home. 

I’m sorry if i’m always dragging you into this drama. Well maybe because you created it too… I mean you have the lead role, remember? No you’re not the villain coz I am the villain. I’m the monster you created if you may recall. I am that character you created so you could lead the role. You’ve been always like that and i wont complain because i did allow you do that to me. 

I can’t make you love me. I can’t buy love. I can’t make you like me either. All i can do is to sit here and wait for that exact fucking time that you will be opening your metal door and let me in. Sometimes it made me think how could you do this to me? But i guess i still choose to wait for that time you’ll take me in. It may be bittersweet but it’s worth the wait. 

But I am just me. I am capable of feeling. And i have all the right in this world to be hurt, to sense the upcoming pain that’s about to happen. I get tired too. If you could recall the wear-and-tear theory - that things would eventually break after a long term use, well you’ll get the picture. I’m not your old pair of Levi’s jeans that could get better after months of using it without washing. I am just me.