i fairness sobrang ang dami kong post ng august ha.. probably a LOT of things going on? I don’t know.. maybe there’s just some things i found out that i should NOT need to know (but i found out anyway) and what the F*CK it hurts like hell.

to be continued…

i know reality sucks. no matter how you suppress… it will just hit you like a motherfucker. and no matter how much you try to console yourself and MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE in some things that matters to you most.. at the end of the day, by chance or for whatever reasons it is, you’ll gonna tell yourself

IT’S JUST ONE HELL OF FALSE REASSURANCE.

(fast forward, few days later)

22:50- Am i freakin’ dehydrated? i want to cry but it seems that my tears had gone dry. blame it to the coffee. i guess i’m really good at suppressing, perhaps i’m also good in some thoughts diversion, coz i can’t cry and can’t let it all out coz my head is too busy to conceptualize these lingering thoughts… or maybe i’m still too blind to see things. i’m so numb right now that i couldn’t feel the hurt anymore. maybe i’m just tired physically and i don’t want to think about it. or maybe too excited for the days to come. mixed feeling. all i can do is to be right here, just be “ME”.

I’m just tired to be Tinkerbell.

and this will be my last pixiedust…..

this is for the one who once saved me from drowning. you know who you are.
and although ive been so unfair and ungrateful, i can say that the time we had is genuine, no-nonsnse and no pretensions. thanks for the love and especially the respect that you showed me. and thanks for handling me well in those times that i’m so vulnerable and wounded. thanks for the patience and for asking me again and again if i’m really okay coz for whatever reason it is.. sometimes i’m not. Thanks for saving me from drowning and not only that.. thanks for bringing me back to life and showing me what life is all about and how wonderful it is to live and how nice it is to go out from my core of stupidity and martyrdom. Thanks for those late afternoon summer drama marathon… thanks for listening and for being my shock absorber that i don’t have to pop- up a single prozac or zoloft. Thanks for knowing me, i know it took years and a lot of deadma moments from me, thanks coz you didn’t gave up. Thanks for being my number one fan, and for making me feel “the happiest girl in the world”. Thanks and many more thanks and i’m sorry… for not holding on as i promised and for letting you go even you never wanted to.

i wish i could just google “how to be happy” and find the exact answers.

i wish i have pixiedust so i can just sprinkle those magical particles whenever i’m feeling this way.

“one more day…” i told myself. i’m fuckin’ tired of working, i’m not enjoying it anymore and although it pays really well, i think it’s not that worthy after all. My so- called patience is going going gone day by day.
Tired. Damned. Wasted. Uninspired.
Those four words best describe the every anatomy of me at this time.
Why can’t i be HAPPY?
Why can’t i just say “i’m fuckin’ not fine” if i really am?
Why am i always saying i’m fine even if i’m not.